To say that the last year or two has been hard would be like comparing the Boston Marathon to a walk around the block. 'Hard' doesn't even begin to describe the journey.
And though much growth and healing have taken place along the way, the end of 2017 and the start of 2018 brought a chaotic cacophony that was quite unexpected. It was a jumbled mixture of gratitude and hope, along with little surprise samples of pain, frustration, and heartache in between.
Change can do that. Especially big change, or a whole lot of little changes. Put big change AND a whole lot of little changes together and, well...sometimes you just get a beautiful mess.
I was in a pretty good place as 2017 wrapped up; celebrating the Holidays and having much to be thankful for, while also recognizing ways that my heart was continuing to heal.
But with a New Year comes words like
But with a New Year comes words like
vision
dreams
passion
purpose
and I suddenly began re-feeling the pain of everything that had been lost in the midst of the changes. I was smacked in the face with the sense that I possessed NONE of the words on that list. And I thought I would...I truly believed that a fresh start, a New Year, would bring a new spark of hope for what our future would someday hold.
Instead, I faced ongoing reminders that the dream we once held was no longer. And there was nothing else yet in its place.
Instead, I faced ongoing reminders that the dream we once held was no longer. And there was nothing else yet in its place.
An overwhelming sense of being lost...and alone...set in hard.
Fast forward to about a week ago. We were having our evening family devotions, and each of us had been asked to share some of the negative thoughts that took up too much space in our minds. From there, we were to select specific Truths from God's Word to replace them with.
Our kids were sharing first, and my son talked about how he wasn't enjoying the 'daily life' and that he wished he knew what he was going to be when he grew up. Almost immediately, God reminded me of a time in my life from nearly 15 years ago, and I felt I needed to share it with my son to offer some encouragement. This particular story hadn't come to mind in quite a long while, so it was definitely unique that I thought of it in that moment.
I began to talk to my son, and as I did, it became overwhelmingly clear that it was actually GOD who was talking to ME. He was bringing me back to a point of remembering that it is in the place of contentment - of truly living the moments and counting the blessings - that He is most free to reveal the 'next steps' in our journey. He desires to give us those gifts when we are already satisfied because He recognizes how much better we will receive them when we are healthy and whole and complete in Him.
That night began a complete turnaround of my prayer focus. Instead of seeking to know what steps He would have me to take towards this new future He was designing, I began fully thanking Him for the place right where I was. This shift changed my heart and my mind almost immediately, though it did not change my circumstances one bit.
Our kids were sharing first, and my son talked about how he wasn't enjoying the 'daily life' and that he wished he knew what he was going to be when he grew up. Almost immediately, God reminded me of a time in my life from nearly 15 years ago, and I felt I needed to share it with my son to offer some encouragement. This particular story hadn't come to mind in quite a long while, so it was definitely unique that I thought of it in that moment.
I began to talk to my son, and as I did, it became overwhelmingly clear that it was actually GOD who was talking to ME. He was bringing me back to a point of remembering that it is in the place of contentment - of truly living the moments and counting the blessings - that He is most free to reveal the 'next steps' in our journey. He desires to give us those gifts when we are already satisfied because He recognizes how much better we will receive them when we are healthy and whole and complete in Him.
That night began a complete turnaround of my prayer focus. Instead of seeking to know what steps He would have me to take towards this new future He was designing, I began fully thanking Him for the place right where I was. This shift changed my heart and my mind almost immediately, though it did not change my circumstances one bit.
Then came Sunday.
After more prayerful moments of working through another emotional step in my journey, I stood in church alongside my husband on Sunday morning. Two songs played, and then the third began. The very first line, inspired by the story of Joshua and his unique challenges at Jericho,
'I've walked around these walls,
I thought by now they'd fall'
stopped me in my tracks.
And as I continued to listen, I wept. I couldn't even sing along with the congregation as God unfolded this sweet story to show me that HE SEES ME. Each line of the song spoke directly to something from my prayers, and I broke.
Just like Hagar, whom I had been reading about in Genesis 16, I experienced God in a place where my heart said I was lost and alone - and though He still told me nothing of my future, He made it very clear that He saw me there.
Another wave of healing was beginning.
And as I continued to listen, I wept. I couldn't even sing along with the congregation as God unfolded this sweet story to show me that HE SEES ME. Each line of the song spoke directly to something from my prayers, and I broke.
Just like Hagar, whom I had been reading about in Genesis 16, I experienced God in a place where my heart said I was lost and alone - and though He still told me nothing of my future, He made it very clear that He saw me there.
Another wave of healing was beginning.
Finally, our family had picked up a movie from the library last week, and we decided on a whim to watch it after dinner on Sunday night. It was a movie about a real-life, award-winning journalist who had been an atheist all his life but decided to 'investigate' Christianity in order to prove it wrong after his wife began pursuing faith in God.
Woven into the story was one particular scripture that the journalist's wife held onto and prayed often over her husband as he wrestled with everything he had once thought to be true.
It was a wonderful movie - one that our family would highly recommend - and afterwards, we gathered to do our evening devotions. My husband had previously selected an online devotion plan for us, so he opened the next day in the plan and began to read.
Woven into the story was one particular scripture that the journalist's wife held onto and prayed often over her husband as he wrestled with everything he had once thought to be true.
It was a wonderful movie - one that our family would highly recommend - and afterwards, we gathered to do our evening devotions. My husband had previously selected an online devotion plan for us, so he opened the next day in the plan and began to read.
As he read, I shook my head at the familiar content, though we had never done this devotion before. Sure enough, the devotion concluded with one scripture, and it was THE EXACT SAME ONE from the movie.
One scripture brought before us in a matter of hours from two completely unique and different sources.
One scripture brought before us in a matter of hours from two completely unique and different sources.
God had something to say.
We marveled at the situation and asked our kids what they thought God might want us to know from Him that night. The conversation blossomed with a variety of possibilities of the 'why' for that one scripture.
As we talked, I read the surrounding verses - the context for that particular scripture, and my heart was immediately struck with what God wanted ME to know.
See, that morning's sermon had been about how the Israelites had missed God's Promised Land even though He miraculously led them right to it, and we were admonished to be careful that we not miss what God had promised to us. And the message left me wondering what MY promise was.
But that night, He brought everything full circle as He very clearly showed me His promise for me. Just for me. Like that morning's song, it was exactly what I needed to hear in the place where I was, and I now have a specific promise to stand on as I continue to seek Him and thank Him and trust Him. Even when I don't yet know the rest of the story.
God's Word is FULL of promises for all of us. There have been other promises - other specifics spoken into my life during various seasons - in the past, and I am certain there will be more to come in the future.
As I write, a promise in Jeremiah 29 comes to mind. Though this chapter holds many words of promise, verse 13 says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
God is available to all who seek Him, and His promises are true.
God's Word is FULL of promises for all of us. There have been other promises - other specifics spoken into my life during various seasons - in the past, and I am certain there will be more to come in the future.
As I write, a promise in Jeremiah 29 comes to mind. Though this chapter holds many words of promise, verse 13 says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
God is available to all who seek Him, and His promises are true.
He sees. And He is faithful.
