Thirsty

Again, I find that I have waited far too long to process my thoughts in writing, and it shows.  Stink!  Journal-writing happens here and there and it is good, but for me, getting it all out from brain to print via keyboard (this author appreciates editing and revision more than most) is of much greater benefit.

I know life is comprised of many seasons, but the past year, maybe two, has felt much longer than the rest, though it has passed by more quickly than I can put words to.  It's been a season of great challenge - to put simply, it has just been hard.  This time of parenting teenagers and coming face to face with many failures - both mine and theirs - all while recognizing that my season of greatest influence in their life has all but passed as they move nearer to complete independence and eventual adulthood...it leaves me carrying a weight that grows heavier with each realization of details that I desperately wish were different, better, at this stage of the game.

The heart-pressure is strong, often unbearable, when this point is reached and I see cracks and growing crevices where my faith and that of my children is lacking - sometimes nearing the extent of complete absence.  Mental research and the revisiting of previous years' worth of experiences in light of current circumstances leaves me longing for roots of far greater depth that could better withstand the gale-force winds that blow through, send me stumbling, and nearly knock me over completely as they leave this Momma shell-shocked, breathless...and angry.  There is so much of this season that I am unprepared and ill-equipped for.  Far more not-knowing than knowing, and far less ability to direct, to lead, and to guide those entrusted to my care.

I ask often...SO often...for wisdom, I tell Him nearly every day how I just don't know, and He whispers, 'Yes, but I know.'  Everything in me tries and tries to trust when I'd much rather scream and holler and stomp my feet, because if You know, and You've given me this responsibility, why don't I know, why can't I understand?  Why can't I get it right...why can't I help my own children...?

Every day begins with an asking, a sincere heart saying, 'God, help me know You more. Lord, capture my heart.'  I read scripture and look for other sources of His wisdom, yet as each new challenge develops, as I face more and more of what I do not have answers for, the feelings of distance grow greater, the emptiness increases in times when my weakness should show evidence of His strength.

Why?

Today, I hear him.  Quiet and still.  To truly long for Him, to honestly want more, is to hunger, to thirst.  David wrote in the Psalms of his desire for God like a deer pants for a drink, how his body and soul would thirst for God as though he was parched and without water.

If am to be thirsty for God, I must first be parched.  There is no thirst without lacking.  We do not know true thirst until we are completely in need - we do not seek to be drenched until we are dry.

Answers to prayers come, but they do not come quickly or easily.  Praying to know God more means walking through seasons of needing to know God more.  He loves me enough to position me in places that provide opportunity for greater growth because He sees the bigger picture - the WHOLE picture - and He knows the potential.  My Father knows that life is not a series of destinations, but a journey, and He loves the journey because He loves relationship.  

And He knows that the strengthening of my heart, as the strengthening of bone, comes through brokenness.

Hope is stirring because brokenness is plentiful.  And I am thirsty.