Stretch Marks

Today, a dear friend used the term 'stretch marks' in reference to the changes and challenges of the last several months of our lives.  She made me smile, and yet, she couldn't have chosen more appropriate words.

This is a tough time.  It just is.  I don't feel like getting all fancy with my writing tonight, rather, I am simply needing to pour out some of what's been building inside of me over the past couple of months.

See, my friend's analogy sparked a whole train of thought that evoked lots of emotion and helped me to connect some of that emotion to the reality of my life - the part that has felt pretty rotten lately without me really knowing why or having the right words to explain it.

Stretch marks.  Pregnancy.  Expectation, excitement, emotion.  From the moment you see those two pink lines, you know nothing will ever be the same again.  There is great anticipation of all that is to come, and in the same breath, overwhelming fear of all that you do not yet know.  In the beginning, the excitement wins out in the midst of all of the ideas, dreams, and possibilities, and you jump in with both feet - choosing names, buying clothes, decorating a nursery.

Then, it happens.  There comes a day when you pull every blasted piece of clothing out of your closet, empty every drawer in your dresser, and no matter how hard you try, you find that NOTHING fits.  Old clothes are too small, maternity clothes too big...and it hits you.  There is no rewind, no reverse, no undoing the changes that have begun, no turning back.

There is no more perfect explanation of the journey for me until now.  Excitement, fear, planning, dreaming, changing, worrying, wondering.  That was all a part of the process as we prepared to move and made the jump from Nebraska to South Dakota.

While the first months we spent here were filled with newness, discovery, excitement, adjustment, expectation, and hope; during these last several weeks, I have come to the glaring realization that there is nothing that fits.  No matter how many nice people you talk to, how many great church services you attend, how much effort you invest at work, nothing feels quite right here.  It's not home.  And no matter how many times you return home, no matter how many conversations you have, text messages you send, Facebook posts you make, it just doesn't 'fit' the way it used to - and the heartbreaking part is that it never will again.

And that's where I'm at.  Yes - I am blessed, yes - I am loved, yes - there are good things to come, and I know that.  But I am that pregnant woman - I have tried on everything, I have thrown it all on the floor in frustration, and here I sit - in the midst of all that I have, with tears streaming down my face because I can't stop my world from changing, I can't undo what's been done, and I can't find anything that 'fits.'

All along, God has said, "Be strong and courageous," "Do not be afraid or discouraged," "I know the plans I have for you."  And I am trusting Him at His Word, even though it's a struggle right now.  While I don't know how to close this post, I will simply share the quiet Word He whispered to me from the front page of YouVersion this morning.

"The Lord isn't really being slow about His promise, as some people think.  No, He is being patient for your sake."  2 Peter 3:9

I'm sure some day I will be able to look at the stretch marks and remember why we went through all of this and how God was patient for our sake, but right now - in this moment - I just want my old body back.