Back to blogging...with a confession... :)

So...it's been an awfully long time since I have sat and thought and typed and processed and muddled through the mess of jumbled jargon in my brain.  Sometimes it's just easier not to go there.  :)

MUCH has happened in my life since I last posted on this blog, and while I am eternally grateful for all of the ways I have been carried through this portion of the journey, I was hit smack in the face this morning with a stark realization about myself, which was promptly followed by an incredible urge to write it down and work it through.

I have a confession - I am an Israelite.

Yes, one of THOSE Israelites - the ones you read about in the Old Testament, the ones you can never quite understand as their story unfolds, the ones you always say you would never be like - one of those.

See, I have been trying to figure myself out lately.  Been wondering why I seem to be missing the motivation, drive, and passion I had grown accustomed to living life with.  Wondering why I seem comfortable to 'go through the motions' of each day instead of wholeheartedly pursuing more of God's plan for me, more of relationships with my family, friends, and neighbors.  When we moved, I had been so driven to discover what it was all about, why we are here, what God could possibly have for us...but in the past few weeks, I have watched that fire dissipate, and have quickly become complacent to slip back into the usual routine.

Today - when I slowed down enough to let myself really think things through - it finally hit me.  I have been sulking.  Not openly complaining, mind you, not lashing out against God or anyone else - just quietly sulking.

Don't get me wrong, I KNOW God is good, and every day I tell God that I trust Him - every day I ask for His help and pray that He will show me more of His plan.  However, I know there's a part of me that's totally comfortable - WAY too comfortable - not to REALLY chase after Him or anything else right now.  And I'm beginning to understand why.

This Spring, Scott and I went through our 'Moses experience.'  We knew God was asking us to do something - something big and new and uncomfortable and completely out of our control.  And much like Moses, we argued with Him.  We didn't think we had what it takes to step out into unknown territory.  We didn't understand why God would ask us to walk away from an amazing time in our lives when we were growing in Him through relationships and ministry.  It didn't make sense to leave the people we loved and a church that was (and still is!) completely on fire and growing like crazy.  Why?  It was SO good!

But God persisted - as we continued to pray, He continued to gently draw us to a place of obedience, a place of remembering His faithfulness and trusting His goodness.  So we said yes.  And God moved.

Much like the events that followed when Moses obeyed God's call on his life, we began to see incredible things unfolding for our family.  In much the same way that God broke down all the barriers that held the Israelites captive in Egypt, He obliterated everything that stood in the way of our move to South Dakota - He even broke down our own stubborn will and replaced it with peace as we trusted Him, one day at a time.  

And just like the Israelites saw God physically lead them with fire and cloud, we watched in awe as He led us via the resources and finances and connections we needed.  Then we sat dumbfounded as God 'parted our Red Sea' and delivered a buyer for our home before we were even ready to sell it.  We were blown away as the manna fell from heaven each morning and He worked miracle after miracle in His perfect timing - we knew where to move to, He showed us which house to buy, He provided all that was needed over and over again so that there was no denying His perfect plan for our family.

It was one of the most amazing times of seeing God at work all around us (and within us), and yet it was one of the hardest things we've ever done.

And now that the roller coaster ride of exciting discoveries and miraculous provisions has slowed, I find myself admitting that I am an Israelite.  I have always said that I never understood how anyone could SO CLEARLY see God at work, using miracle after miracle to lead them, and then so quickly turn sour, but it's all becoming more clear to me.

Just as the Israelites questioned God when they could not see the fullness of His plans for them, just as they doubted His faithfulness in the wake of unbelievable, knock-your-socks-off, how-could-it-possibly-not-be-God experiences, so I sit and recognize that I am one of them.  In my spirit, I am sulking about what I do not know, what I cannot see.

In these times when I am unable to see the big picture, I have allowed the fact that I cannot dive in to some obviously tangible part of God's plan keep me from simply seeking His face.  Now that we have passed the giant billboards of the interstate and have turned off to the unmarked highways and backroads of this journey, I sometimes allow myself to wonder if we're even headed in the right direction.  Every time I ache for my family, my friends, my church, I let my heart take one more step back from the One who called me away from the life I knew, and I let the daily routine take it's place.

Yet in the routine, I still talk to Him every day, I still read His Word, I still verbalize my trust in Him and teach my kids that He is faithful.  So...in this moment...I should be thankful for the routine.  I can choose to be grateful for the roots of relationship that go deeper than my emotions.  Because it is my routine that brings me to tell Him about my emotions - it is my habit that leads me back to the hope I have in Him.

A smile spreads across my face as God reminds me just now of the verse we have been learning as a family this week, "Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promises."  Hebrews 10:23

Hmmm...He must have known I needed that.  :)

I also want to share with you that I opened my Bible this morning for the purpose of finding some verses about the Israelites and their journey, but the pages instead fell to Joshua chapter 1.  Here I saw a passage that I had previously highlighted - obviously one that I needed to read today.  It says, "For I will be with you as I was with Moses.  I will not fail you or abandon you....Be strong and very courageous...For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:5, 7, 9

Lord, may I keep going where You lead.  Amen.